Why is "Why is Gordon Keith?"

Before we go further, I think we should clarify some of our intentions for this blog.

Yes, we are trying to playfully point out how the emperor is stark, raving nude. It is always fun to point and laugh at the naked.

However, we are not here to bash Gordon Keith the person. We are here to examine and vivisect the Gordon Keith machine.

Not Andrea Bocelli

Gordon Keith the person is probably a very nice, likable individual. Sure, his eyes are too close together and his head is oddly shaped, forcing him to grow his hair out to serve as some sort of slimming sheath for his mammoth skull. Gordon Keith the person can't help this. But do not cry for Gordon Keith's simian similarities. He most likely benefits from his resemblance to the Elephant Man, since media personalities usually have disproportionate head sizes that show up better on camera and lushly resonate on radio.

Furthermore, Gordon Keith the person seems to understand the full intent of our humble blog. Really, that has nothing to do with him having a sense of humor and everything to do with "Why is Gordon Keith?" being fucking awesome.

The Gordon Keith

On the other hand, the public entity that has become The Gordon Keith is far from human. It is a machine of mediocrity, cloaked in the dressings of a lovable yet smarmy douche-whistle. The Gordon Keith has been hoisted upon the masses, presented as a widely agreed upon comedic force. Unfortunately, the masses excepted this to be true without question.

That is what the masses does. Or do. Do the masses do or the masses does? Whatever.

It is not the job of the masses to decide for themselves. The masses must do as they are told. The masses must tune in to all manner of corporate garbage disguised as rebellion, watch their ass-awful television medical dramas, listen to self-righteous cable news blowhards, and buy tickets to fart-filled motion pictures.

The unquestioning masses must enjoy the antics of The Gordon Keith. It is what they do.

Does.

Whatever.

"Why is Gordon Keith?" is directed at the individuals that constitute these masses. Please, I implore you, stop eating the horse shit you've been force fed with a smile, believing it to be chocolate pudding just because a boardroom on a conference call packaged a pile of horse shit and smacked a chocolate pudding label on it.

They tell you it's pudding. You believe it to be pudding. But at the end of the day, horse shit is horse shit.

Why is Gordon Keith (not funny)? Part 1 of 482,038,976

Gordon Keith can't tell a joke.

A joke is usually constructed of two parts: "the set-up" and "the punchline." Generally, the set-up is constructed in such a way that it creates an expectation, however false or misleading, as to what the eventual punchline will deliver.

The key to creating an operable and efficient joke is to create a set-up that seems to send the joke in one direction, then suddenly veers in another direction ("the turn") for the punchline. Here is an example of a good joke...

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

Simple, yet effective. It's obvious that the chicken's goal is to get to the other side of said road, but the joke-teller has set up the question as if it were an inquiry of reason, rather than outcome.

Gordon Keith's jokes do not follow the rule of the turn. In a proper joke, the turn is everything. A Gordon Keith joke is usually either all set-up, all punchline, or some inbred by-product of the two. There is no turn and no actual investment in the joke paying off.

Often, a Gordon Keith punchline is simply a reference to something that a wide audience would recognize as having some sort of humorous attribute or association, but is not in and of itself actually humorous within the context of the joke. This is the exact opposite of how a joke should work. The context dictates the turn. Here is the Gordon Keith "non-joke" version of the chicken joke...

Why did the chicken cross the road? Jessica Simpson.

This is not the correct way to construct humor. The laughs that a non-joke might elicit are either accidental or painfully forced, an unnatural reaction to benign stimuli.

Gordon Keith being not funny on TV.

On a recent episode of Gordon Keith's horrible television show, he made reference to a charity clay shoot he was involved in. He then went on to remark that he accidentally shot Harry Whittington in the face. I'll wait while you finish not laughing.

This attempt at humor failed for a number of reasons, foremost being that there was no actual set-up to a near-nonexistent punchline. Mentioning his participation in a charity clay shoot does not set-up the turn. If anything, it predicts the punchline simply due to the fact that Gordon Keith is a hack and if he starts talking about shooting guns, you can almost guarantee that he will use a punchline that references the guy who Dick Cheney shot in the face 2 years ago. The only way the joke could have contained a turn is if you were expecting the joke to be funny. Then the joke is on you.

You should not laugh at poorly constructed jokes. You should expect actual, natural results from someone who is being paid to practice a craft. If you hired someone to build a house, you would expect them to build the entire house, not just the roof.

This is not necessarily Gordon Keith's fault, as the massive popularity of "non-jokes" is undeniable. Non-jokes are seemingly harmless viruses that destroy true comedic workmanship and place all blame at the feet of the audience. If you fail to laugh at a non-joke, then it is your fault because you did not "get it." The inherent problem with this is that without a proper set-up, turn, and punchline, there is nothing to get. The human intellect is not being engaged, it is being misdirected.

If you laugh at Gordon Keith's "jokes," you are not reacting naturally. You are producing an expected response to something that is made to appear funny, but in actuality is very, very lame.

Seriously?

What is Gordon Keith?
Gordon Keith is a local "media personality" based in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

Where is Gordon Keith?
Everywhere. He is on the radio. He is in newspapers. He is on the internets. He is on TV.

How is Gordon Keith?
One would imagine he's doing pretty well.

Gordon Keith is a harmless, relatively successful DFW celebrity, much like the Trucks, Trucks, Trucks guy or Jim Adler, the Texas Hammer.

However, unlike Trucks Guy, Gordon Keith is not intentionally amusing. And unlike Jim Adler, Gordon Keith is not accidentally amusing. Gordon Keith is simply not amusing. This is an irrefutable scientific fact based on years of laboratory research and clinical testing. If you think that Gordon Keith is in any way remotely amusing, I am sorry. You are wrong.

If you think that I am wrong for not thinking that Gordon Keith is amusing, it is not because you and I don't share the same sense of humor. It is not because humor is inherently subjective. You think Gordon Keith is amusing and I don't because you are wrong and I am right. Again, it's a scientific fact. Science doesn't lie.

You don't have to take my word for it. Look at what others have said about Gordon Keith's penchant for non-amusement.

"Gordon Keith is not funny to me or anyone else. I hate him." - Lorne Greene, dead actor.

"Gordon Keith, while painfully unfunny and derivative, is also a poor dresser and not very good looking." - Arianna Huffington, political pundit.

"I hate Gordon Keith and his stupid face and his stupid half-beard." - Lee Iacocca, businessman.

"Gordon Keith? More like Snorin' Queef." - Pope Benedict XVI, pope.

So, we have established that Gordon Keith is not amusing. Nor is he worthy of claiming to be anything other than a carbon-based, mammalian lifeform. Gordon Keith just is.

But why?