What is Gordon Keith?
Gordon Keith is a local "media personality" based in the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

Where is Gordon Keith?
Everywhere. He is on the radio. He is in newspapers. He is on the internets. He is on TV.

How is Gordon Keith?
One would imagine he's doing pretty well.

Gordon Keith is a harmless, relatively successful DFW celebrity, much like the Trucks, Trucks, Trucks guy or Jim Adler, the Texas Hammer.

However, unlike Trucks Guy, Gordon Keith is not intentionally amusing. And unlike Jim Adler, Gordon Keith is not accidentally amusing. Gordon Keith is simply not amusing. This is an irrefutable scientific fact based on years of laboratory research and clinical testing. If you think that Gordon Keith is in any way remotely amusing, I am sorry. You are wrong.

If you think that I am wrong for not thinking that Gordon Keith is amusing, it is not because you and I don't share the same sense of humor. It is not because humor is inherently subjective. You think Gordon Keith is amusing and I don't because you are wrong and I am right. Again, it's a scientific fact. Science doesn't lie.

You don't have to take my word for it. Look at what others have said about Gordon Keith's penchant for non-amusement.

"Gordon Keith is not funny to me or anyone else. I hate him." - Lorne Greene, dead actor.

"Gordon Keith, while painfully unfunny and derivative, is also a poor dresser and not very good looking." - Arianna Huffington, political pundit.

"I hate Gordon Keith and his stupid face and his stupid half-beard." - Lee Iacocca, businessman.

"Gordon Keith? More like Snorin' Queef." - Pope Benedict XVI, pope.

So, we have established that Gordon Keith is not amusing. Nor is he worthy of claiming to be anything other than a carbon-based, mammalian lifeform. Gordon Keith just is.

But why?